No I'm not talking about the celebrity baby bumps that have been popping up everywhere resulting in such precious children's names such as "brick" or "staircase," and no I'm not talking about the rare breed of bump we wait for as the result of an Olsen twin mysteriously consuming a cheeseburger. I'm talking about the 'Bump It,' the greatest thing to happen to thin-haired twenty somethings looking to acquire that much sought-after shapely alien cranium.
Call me unhip or out-of-the-loop, but I am completely baffled as to why this bizarre head shape has become a desirable fashion feature. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've been known to sport the occasional bizarre hair trend, but this "bumping" is getting out of control.
We all sort of chuckled to ourselves when Crazy McCrackHeaderson (AKA Amy Winehouse) shuffled around in her blood-splattered ballet flats sporting the largest and rattiest "bumped" style we had seen since the fall of Motown. But hey, she does CRACK for god sake, and has her abusive boyfriend's name tattooed in the form of a shirt flap over her left breast. I slept soundly knowing that this woman was miles away from reaching the top of the Hollywood "It List."
Until one fateful morning shuffling about the grocery store wearing the exact same outfit I went out in last night, right after a severe hang-over had subdued and I'd gotten my Bob Dillan morning hair back into its rightful place, I noticed an epidemic. Be them little, (in comparison to the previously mentioned Winehouse buffont) but little "bumped" hairstyles seemed to be peeking at me from around every grocery aisle.
Organic produce department: Bang Bump
Dairy section: Bizarre back-of-bob Bump (hereafter referred to as the "alien bump")
Baking aisle: Oh Hallelujah Hollywood Bump!
It seemed as if the "bumping" was sweeping my little hillbilly community. Baffled as I was, I soon discussed this matter with friends and hairdresser to determing the general consensus on the "bumping" epidemic, and also, if it served any rational function.
"I know I have this hideous lump on my head, but I know just how to conceal it! Bumping!"
After said discussions, I discovered that a) most of my friends thought that the bumping was totally bizarre b) the only practical purpose it might serve would be to hide weapons, drugs, or illegal things of that nature (ala Miss Winehouse) and c) they were now marketing this dubious hair trend through a plastic aid device on national television.
Special Occasions! BUMP IT!
Every day ponytail! BUMP IT!
Want to camoflauge that massive mound on your head and conceal your crack pipe? BUMP IT!
I'm all for volume and full-bodied hair, but all of this bumping is making me ill.
Let's close the book on this one, shall we ladies?
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